


Almost Impossible

by KJaneway115



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, Episode: s03e15 Coda, Eventual Romance, F/M, Happy Ending, Post-Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJaneway115/pseuds/KJaneway115
Summary: Several months after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay reunite at Lake George.  For all those who want to believe that the almost impossible might still be possible, after all.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 22
Kudos: 77





	Almost Impossible

**Author's Note:**

> My annual "lake story" for my fellow VAMBies. Thanks to Koneia and IndianSummer for their encouragement, and the most thanks, as always, goes to the best editor there is, Mizvoy. Thanks for always editing my stories so thoughtfully.

_**Almost Impossible**_  
By KJaneway115

* * *

Kathryn Janeway felt the sweat trickle down her back and down her chest and drip down her arms to the tips of her fingers. As she took a deep breath, a bead of sweat dripped from her nose to land with a plop on the bench below. She inhaled deeply again, the smell of burning wood filling her nostrils, and the heat of the small room permeating her skin. She used a cloth to grab the handle of a small pot that sat on the bench next to her. She dipped the small pot into a larger bucket of water, filled it, and used the pot to toss water onto the rocks in front of her. The water hit the rocks with a loud sizzle, and steam immediately rose in the sauna, assaulting her with a new wave of heat where she sat on the top bench. The sweat poured freely off of her. Just a few more minutes, she thought as threw some more water on the rocks, generating another bout of hot steam in the sauna.

The sauna had been built by her great-grandfather, who had obtained the Janeway property at Lake George from his father-in-law. He had built it in the old-fashioned way, with wooden siding and a wood-burning stove. Inside the sauna, there were three benches to sit on and a metal enclosure full of rocks, which both helped to heat the sauna and allowed the bather to generate steam by throwing water on them. Today was the first time Kathryn had lit the sauna since her arrival at Lake George a week earlier.  


As she felt her heart rate begin to increase from the heat, she climbed down from the top bench and exited the sauna, stepping through the small changing room that adjoined it. She pushed open the door and ran down the path of flat stones that led from the sauna to the lake until she reached the edge of the shore. She plunged into the water, allowing the refreshingly cool lake water to envelop her.  


After a long swim washed away the sweat and cooled her skin, she climbed back up the rocks that lined the beach and onto the dock. The dock, like the sauna, had been built with old-fashioned construction and was made of wood, with a few 24th century enhancements for safety and longevity. Kathryn stood on the dock and looked out at the lake, letting the water drip off her body and her black one-piece swimsuit, pooling on the wooden slats below her feet. A gentle breeze blew, and the only audible sounds were the lapping of the water against the shore, and a few neighbor children playing on their beach. She relished the quiet; it was why she had come to Lake George. She needed time to think and reflect. Nothing in the past year of her life had gone the way she had expected it to, and she felt that she was now at a crossroads.   


_Voyager_ ’s return to the Alpha Quadrant had fallen far short of her expectations. The ship’s unexpected arrival home had caught the admiralty off-guard, and decisions that Janeway felt should have been well thought out had been made hastily instead. Due to the objections of a few highly placed admirals, the former Maquis had not been granted their field commissions and had not been allowed to remain in Starfleet. The former _Equinox_ crew had been dishonorably discharged despite Janeway’s arguments that their time on _Voyager_ should count in their favor. _Voyager_ herself had been decommissioned and was being dismantled so the admiralty could study the various improvements and changes that had been made to her, as well as the integrations of Delta Quadrant technology that had been performed over the years. Janeway’s two small victories, the EMH being recognized as autonomous and free, and Seven and Icheb being granted citizenship in the Federation, had felt hollow.  


She herself had been offered a position in the admiralty, an offer which had come with a strong suggestion that she accept, because as a captain, she would not get another commission any time soon. Starfleet wanted to reward her for a job well-done in the Delta Quadrant, they said, but she knew the truth. She was too unpredictable, her thinking, too out-of-the-box. She had made too many choices over the past seven years that the admiralty frowned upon, and the apparent promotion was nothing more than a thinly veiled control mechanism. Knowing she could never be happy spending the rest of her life behind a desk, she had resigned.   


Her resignation had been the final impetus that had prompted her to escape to Lake George, but after a week here, she was no closer to figuring out what she wanted to do next. She had been doing a great deal of personal introspection, however, a practice that had been encouraged by the Starfleet counselor she had spent time with during the debriefings. “For seven years, you haven’t had any time to process the things that were happening to you,” the counselor reminded her. “You need time to process all the changes that have happened and understand your own thoughts and feelings about them.” Well, now, at least, she had nothing but time.  


The night before, she’d been sitting on the screened porch, drinking her customary evening cup of tea. At least, that had become her custom in the past week. She’d been reading a Klingon romance novel that B’Elanna had given her. It was frivolous, escapist reading, but she enjoyed it. As she read the sweeping, romantic tale, she’d had a realization. _I don’t want to live the rest of my life without romance._  


Yet she could see no way to having any kind of romance in her life. Her ex-fiance, Mark, was now happily married to someone else. She’d tried, over the few months since _Voyager_ ’s return, to re-connect with former colleagues, and even had made some half-hearted attempts to meet new people, but she’d found herself unable to connect with anyone, almost unable to have a meaningful conversation. Her experiences on _Voyager_ had changed her and changed her perceptions. She’d felt isolated, like she didn’t fit into Starfleet anymore, so much so that deciding to resign her commission had been nowhere near as difficult as she’d expected.   


She kept in touch with members of _Voyager_ ’s crew whenever she could. She frequently spoke to B’Elanna, and the two women exchanged advice, shared their day-to-day problems and recommended reading material to each other. B’Elanna, Tom and Miral had moved to Mars, where B’Elanna had a job as an engineer and Tom was working as a pilot. She also kept in touch with Harry, who had been assigned to another starship, and Tuvok, whose recovery was proceeding well on Vulcan. She kept tabs on Sam and Naomi Wildman, on Icheb, on the Doctor, and many other former members of her crew. Offering advice, or even just a supportive ear to them, was one of the few things she did that made her feel useful.  


Of course, the crew member she wished to see the most was the one with whom she had spent the least time since _Voyager_ ’s return. When she’d last spoken to Chakotay several weeks earlier, he’d mentioned that he was considering several positions that had been offered to him. She’d congratulated him on the wonderful offers he’d received and asked him to let her know what he chose. She hadn’t heard from him since, but it wasn’t really surprising. They’d communicated primarily via written message, and their communication had been spotty, at best. She suspected that this was because he didn’t want his new girlfriend, Seven of Nine, to be jealous of their relationship.  


It had been a rocky road for Chakotay and Seven, from what little she could gather from his infrequent messages, and it seemed to her that Chakotay was always bending over backwards to accommodate Seven’s moods and desires, while Seven was hardly accommodating to Chakotay’s feelings. But she had lost all rights to speak of that long ago. _Maybe, at one time_ … she thought, but then stopped the thought.  


She hadn’t had time until _Voyager_ ’s debriefings had ended to think about her reaction to everything that Admiral Janeway had told her. It had been weeks after her encounter with her future self that she’d realized how much it had bothered her to learn of Chakotay’s relationship with Seven, and that they would someday marry. It was only in analyzing these feelings that she started to realize that she had secretly harbored hope for all these years that perhaps when Voyager returned home, she and Chakotay would finally be able to explore the feelings that had always simmered between them just below the surface. But now that chance was lost. Chakotay was with Seven, and their marriage would no longer be thwarted by Seven’s untimely death as it had been in the admiral’s timeline. Kathryn understood rationally that someday she might meet someone that she would connect with on as deep a level as she’d connected with Chakotay, but it seemed unlikely to her. It was hard for her to imagine anyone who could supersede his position in her heart. Yet she also knew that as long as she felt this way, she would have no romance in her life.  


This wasn’t the only area of her life in which she felt aimless. Most of the time, she tried not to think about the way Starfleet had treated her, but in truth, their attempt to relegate her to a desk felt like a betrayal. She’d given decades of her life in service to Starfleet and made countless sacrifices to obey its rules and uphold its principles. And while Starfleet hadn’t hesitated to use her homecoming as a publicity stunt — “ _Voyager_ ’s famed captain made a 70 year journey in only 7 years…” — when it came down to her career, Starfleet hadn’t hesitated to cast her aside.  


“A promotion to the admiralty is hardly casting you aside, dear,” her mother had said.   


“Mother, you don’t understand,” Kathryn had replied, frustrated. “Starfleet is not the same as it was when dad was an admiral.”   


Regardless, Starfleet was no longer the organization she had believed it to be. Or maybe she was no longer the Kathryn Janeway who had been so dedicated to Starfleet principles. Maybe she was the one who had changed. She’d thought that tendering her resignation would be a very emotional event, but instead, it had felt very matter of fact, very simple. She’d felt no guilt for walking away from the organization to which she’d dedicated her life. She felt… nothing. When she thought about it now, a week later, she felt only a vague sense of curiosity at her own reaction. She supposed she’d learned in the Delta Quadrant how to do what needed to be done and make choices without allowing her emotions to take precedence. Sometimes she wondered if this was a good thing or a bad one.  


She’d had these thoughts several times over the past few days but hadn’t been able to reach any new conclusions about any of it. What would she do now that she was no longer in Starfleet? She had never really considered the possibility of a life outside of Starfleet, but now, that was what she had chosen.  


A bird chirped as a breeze rustled through the leaves of a nearby tree. Overhead, puffy, white clouds drifted across the blue sky, occasionally covering the sunshine. Her swim suit was almost dry, and she decided it was time to go back into the sauna and purge herself of another layer of sweat.  


That evening, Kathryn sat on the dock, a glass of water resting on the wooden slat next to her. Ever since her early teenage years, it had been her special tradition to watch the sunset from the dock every night when she was at the lake. That tradition hadn’t changed as she had gotten older. In fact, almost every year of her life until Voyager landed in the Delta Quadrant, she’d found some time to go to Lake George in the summer. When her grandmother had been alive, it had been to see her grandmother. In later years, she had often coordinated her visit with that of her mother and sister in order to spend time with them. The first year in the Delta Quadrant, when Kathryn realized she would miss her yearly trip to Lake George for the first time since childhood, she had created the Lake George holodeck program. She had visited it several times over the years, but only ever shared it with one person.  


As she drank in the genuine Lake George sunset, she let herself smile. The holodeck was no substitute for the real thing. For one thing, she had never been able to get the smell of the air quite right. As she took a deep breath, she felt she could never get enough of this fresh, sweet, clean air. In the distance, a loon cried its long, haunting, lonely song. Fluffy clouds in the sky took on a dark purple hue as the sun dipped behind the trees, shedding a golden light on the water. One wispy cloud remained white, billowing upwards from the others in a spiral, almost like a puff of smoke.   


She let her mind wander and found herself thinking of the night she’d brought Chakotay to her Lake George holodeck program. “Someday, I’ll take you to the real place,” she’d told him. Now, as the sun disappeared beyond the tree line, she knew that this would never happen. She had forced herself on numerous occasions over the past several months to confront this reality. _He’s with her_ , she told herself. _That’s his choice, and he’s not going to change his mind. You have to accept that you’re never going to be more than a friend to him, a close friend if you’re lucky. You ruined your own chances long ago, and now Seven is the one he’s chosen to spend his life with._ Her thoughts continued, _Maybe you never had anything meaningful at all. You were both just lonely in the Delta Quadrant and had no one else to talk to. That’s all._  


Kathryn wondered what Chakotay and Seven were doing right at this moment. She imagined them curled up on the couch together in a cute little apartment, listening to music or perhaps watching the latest updates from the Federation News Service. Without self-pity, she thought that most likely, she would never have that with anyone again.

=/\=

The next morning, not being one to indulge in feeling sorry for herself, Kathryn awoke, made a pot of coffee, and went for her customary jog and swim. Then, she threw herself into the task of upkeep around the property. Her mother and sister had continued to come to Lake George for a few weeks each summer, but it was still early in the summer, and they hadn’t come yet this year. There were quite a few tasks around the house and the property that needed to be done, and Kathryn set herself to them in earnest. Old paint had to be scraped off the deck, and the wood had to be re-stained. The grass needed trimming and weeds needed to be pulled in all the gardens. A section of the dock needed a minor repair, and the interior of the house needed a good cleaning.  


She had cleaned inside the house and was weeding in one of the gardens when she heard the sound of a hovercar approaching. She wasn’t expecting any guests and wondered if one of the neighbors might be coming down the road to visit her. The Janeway house was near the end of an old road, and while there were several other lake places along the road, they were well spread out from each other, and Kathryn hadn’t seen anyone else around for the past few days. It was the middle of the week and still a bit early in the season for summer vacationers. She turned her focus back to her weeding and wiped the sweat from her brow. It was unseasonably hot. She pulled at a particularly stubborn weed and was so engrossed in her work that she didn’t hear the crunching of footsteps on the gravel drive.  


She jumped in surprise when she heard a deep voice ask, “Can I help you with that?”  


Looking up at the direction of the voice, startled, she exclaimed, “Chakotay!” Hastily, she stood up, brushing the dirt from her hands on her summer dress and swiping her hair out of her face. “What are you doing here?”  


Instead of responding to her question, he chuckled.  


“What?”   


He gestured to his face, drawing a diagonal line with his finger from his eyebrow to his ear.  


She realized that in her haste to fix her hair, she’d left a large streak of dirt on her face, and she hastily wiped at it. “Well, if you’d warned me you were coming, I might have been a little more prepared,” she snapped.  


“I’m sorry,” he said, smiling, in a tone that let her know he wasn’t sorry at all. “Next time I’ll make an appointment.”  


She put her hands on her hips in a gesture so familiar that his grin widened. “What are you doing here?” she repeated her question.  


“I came to see you,” he replied, as though stating the obvious. He gestured to the weed she’d been trying in vain to pull. “Can I help you with that?”  


“No, thank you. I’ll take care of it later.” She stood there, staring at him, still so surprised by his unexpected arrival that she didn’t know what to do.  


“Are you going to invite me in, Kathryn?” he asked finally.   


She took a deep breath. As annoyed as she was by his sudden and unannounced appearance, she couldn’t help but feel glad to see him. She looked back to him and offered a small smile. “Please, come in, Chakotay. I’ll make us some lemonade.” She showed Chakotay to a chair on the front deck, which overlooked the lake, and let him wait while she took a moment to wash up from her gardening. She poured two glasses of lemonade from a pitcher and went to join him on the deck.   


“Thank you,” he said, accepting the cool glass. She sat down in a chair across from him. “So, this is the famous Lake George,” he said, gesturing at the beautiful blue lake in front of them.  


“This is it.”  


“Your holodeck program was quite good.”  


“Thank you.” She took a sip of her lemonade and looked out at the lake, then stole a glance at him. He looked good, she observed. His skin was darker than she’d seen it in a long time, and he appeared fit and healthy. He seemed content. She supposed life with Seven was treating him well. There were a million things she wanted to ask him, but still in the dark as to the purpose of his visit, she hesitated.  


“I heard you resigned your commission.”  


“News travels fast.”  


“B’Elanna told me,” he said. “What she didn’t tell me was why. She said that was your story to tell me if you wanted to.” He paused, looking at her closely. “I’d like to hear it.”  


She turned to look into his dark eyes and discovered, to her surprise, that she wanted to tell him. The whole story began to pour out, starting from her disillusionment with Starfleet’s decision not to allow him and the other former Maquis to retain their field commissions, to the offer of promotion that had culminated in a veiled threat to keep her at a desk job for the rest of her life. “I’m too young to spend the rest of my life sitting behind a desk,” she said.  


“I agree,” he replied. “How do you feel about your decision now?”  


“You mean, do I regret it?” she asked. He nodded. “No,” she replied. “I didn’t join Starfleet because I wanted to be an administrator. Given the options I was given, I think I made the best choice I could.”  


“What will you do now?”  


“I’m still trying to figure that out.” She paused. “What about you, Chakotay? Have you made any decisions about what you’re going to do next?”  


“Actually, that’s why I came to see you.”  


“Oh?”  


“I’ve been offered a really interesting opportunity, something that could involve both of us, as well as several of our former crew.”  


_No doubt including Seven,_ Kathryn thought. But still, she was intrigued. She leaned forward in her chair. “What kind of opportunity?”   


“When it became clear that Starfleet wasn’t going to grant us our field commissions, I started reaching out to old colleagues of mine, including quite a few people that I taught with at the Academy. Many of them are still in Starfleet, but others have moved on to other academic institutions. One of my old colleagues now teaches at the Banzai Institute for Advanced Studies.”  


“I remember reading their monthly journal in my science officer days.”  


“Yes. The journal is quite well known. Well, anyway, I’ve been speaking with the head of the Institute on and off for several weeks now. They want to create a Delta Quadrant Studies Program.” He lowered his voice conspiratorially. “I think they’re trying to beat Starfleet Academy to the punch, to be honest.”  


“What would the purpose of the program be?” Kathryn asked.  


“Primarily education and research,” Chakotay replied. “They want me to help formulate a curriculum for their students. With my background in anthropology, they feel I’m capable of coming up with something comprehensive.”  


“I’m sure you are, Chakotay.”  


“But I told them that I didn’t want to do it on my own, that I needed some other former members of _Voyager_ ’s crew on the team, at least as consultants.” He paused. “You were the first person I thought of, but I didn’t think it would be an option until last night when B’Elanna told me that you had resigned from Starfleet.”  


“I don’t know…”  


“It won’t only be teaching and curriculum,” he said, speaking faster and with a little more excitement in his voice. “In conjunction with the educational piece, the Institute is planning a research division that’s going to focus on various methods of propulsion and communication. They want to revisit both the transwarp and slipstream problems.”  


“And how do they plan to do that?”  


“They’ve already started designs for an experimental ship.”  


“I see,” Janeway said, her eyes starting to light up. “I don’t suppose this is the secret B’Elanna’s been keeping from me.” The last time she had talked with her former chief engineer, there had been something that B’Elanna had obviously been keeping from her, but when she’d quizzed her on the subject, she’d learned nothing.  


Chakotay couldn’t help but smile. “Tom and B’Elanna have both agreed to work on the ship,” he admitted. “But the Institute is still looking for someone to head the research division. When B’Elanna told me about your resignation, I couldn’t wait to see you and talk to you about it.”  


“You mean… me? Head the research division?”  


He nodded. “I can’t think of anyone better for the job.” He watched her reaction closely before he continued. “I’d be the head of the educational arm. You could head the practical arm. We’d be a team.”  


“I don’t know, Chakotay…”  


“I know, it’s a lot to think about,” he admitted. “How about this? I’ll send you everything on the project, the Institute, who we’d be working for, what they’re hoping to accomplish. You can review it before you give me an answer.”  


She nodded. “That sounds reasonable.”  


“They want to move forward as soon as possible.”  


“All right. Give me twenty-four hours?”  


“I can do that.”  


“Why don’t you come back tomorrow, Chakotay?” she offered impulsively. “I’ll give you an answer then. And this time I’ll be prepared for your visit. I won’t be covered in dirt from the garden, and I’ll even make you lunch.”  


Chakotay grinned. “Lunch? Are you sure I shouldn’t be the one cooking?”  


“My cooking skills have actually improved since we got home, I’ll have you know.”  


“I’ll test that theory tomorrow.”  


She smiled. “Yes, you will.”  


She walked him back to his hovercar and they bid each other an easy goodbye. As she headed back at the house to research the Banzai Institute, she realized how good it had been to see him. And neither of them had mentioned Seven of Nine even once.

=/\=

The next day, anticipating Chakotay’s arrival, Janeway awoke early for her morning run and swim. She’d spent almost all afternoon and evening reading the material Chakotay had sent her about the Banzai Institute’s proposed project, as well as everything she could find about the Institute itself. She thought, before she’d gone to bed, that she’d made her decision about his offer, but she wanted to sleep on it just to make sure. Her morning run and swim were just what she needed to solidify her feelings on the matter.   


She prepared a simple pasta salad for lunch with quite a few fresh vegetables, including a few from her own garden, went for one more quick dip in the lake, and dressed in a simple sundress. She was tidying up the living room when she heard the sound of the hovercar approaching, and the voice shouting, “Hello!” as Chakotay’s shoes crunched on the gravel path that led to the house.  


She walked through the screen porch to open the door and waved to her guest as he walked down the pathway. “Hello!” she replied. “Come in.” As he walked up the stairs to the screen porch, she couldn’t help but admire his physique, his short-sleeved shirt showing off his toned arms, the tight pants accentuating his muscular legs. She admired him for a moment before she shook herself. He was practically engaged, after all. She shouldn’t be having such thoughts about him.  


“How are you today?” Chakotay asked, pulling a bouquet of peace roses from behind his back and handing them to her when he reached the top of the stairs.  


“Oh, Chakotay, they’re beautiful. Thank you.” She was surprised by his thoughtful gesture, and tried to mask her emotions by inhaling deeply the scent of the roses. It was a peace offering, she thought, because their friendship had been strained in the last months on _Voyager_ , and perhaps something of a bribe to get her to accept the job. Well, she didn’t need a bribe. She had already made up her mind about the job, and a bouquet of roses wasn’t going to make any difference. Still, they were pretty. “Let me put these in water,” she said. “Please, come in.”  


She led him through the screen porch and into the house. The house was simple, adequate, but not extravagant. There was a small kitchen with a separate eating nook and an attached living room. The living room had a glass door that opened onto the front deck, where they had sat the previous afternoon. He watched out of the corner of his eye while she stood on a small stool to reach a vase that was on top of the kitchen cabinets. “I can help you,” he offered.  


“No need, thank you,” she replied, standing on her tiptoes to reach the vase. She filled it with water and placed the flowers inside, then placed it on the kitchen table. Then she turned to him. “I was rude yesterday. I didn’t even invite you in or show you around.”   


“Well, I did catch you off-guard.”  


“Yes, you did,” she said, catching herself just before she called him, “Commander.”  


“Don’t worry,” he said, holding up his hands in a defensive gesture. “I’ve learned my lesson.”  


She laughed. “I’m glad to hear it. Nonetheless, I think I owe you a tour, if you’d like one.”  


“I’d love one.”  


She showed him through the house, to the two bedrooms on the ground floor, and then the basement, which had another two bedrooms. She showed him the boathouse and the sauna and gave him a tour of the grounds. By the time they had finished walking back and forth along the property, both were warm from the midday sun. “I’d say we stop and have some lunch,” she suggested.  


“Good by me,” he replied, and followed her back up the hill from the lake to the house.  


She set the table in the screened porch and poured them each a glass of cold water, then placed the salad in the center of the table. They both sat down, and he picked up the salad servers, serving her before himself.  


“Thank you for lunch,” he said.   


“My pleasure.” She paused. The anticipation in the room was thick, and she knew he was waiting to hear the answer to his question. “Chakotay, about the job…”  


“Kathryn, if you’re trying to let me down easy, don’t,” he said, sounding disappointed. “Just tell me you don’t want the job.”  


She put down her fork. “Chakotay, I do want the job.”   


“Because then I’ll…” He stopped, mid-sentence. “You do?”  


She smiled. “Yes, I do. I think it’s a wonderful opportunity, and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do.”  


“Really?” His tone was still filled with disbelief.  


She nodded her head. “Really. Everything you sent me about the Institute and their mission sounds fascinating, and, even more than that, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work with our old crew again. We were a good team in the Delta Quadrant, and I think we could be again.”  


He took a deep breath, relief flooding him. “I think so, too.”  


“So you can tell Director Zairok that I’m in, and that I look forward to discussing the details of the position with him.”  


“That’s great!” Chakotay exclaimed, picking up his fork and digging into his salad. After the first bite, he looked at Janeway in surprise. “This is good.”  


“I told you I’d been working on my cooking skills since we got home.”  


They ate in silence for a few moments before Chakotay spoke again. “If you’re up for it, you and I could start planning immediately. We’ll be heading the project collaboratively, and I think that we can find ways to structure both arms of the project to enhance each other.”  


“I should speak to Director Zairok first and make everything official.”  


“Of course,” Chakotay acquiesced. “I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m just so happy that you’ll be a part of this. It feels right that we should do it together.” He paused, taking a bite of his salad and averting his eyes. She could sense that he had more to say and waited patiently. He looked up at her and finally continued, “Something about our return to the Alpha Quadrant, about the way we left everything at the end of our journey, never felt right to me.”  


Kathryn stared at him, wondering what he meant by “we,” the two of them, or the entire crew.   


“I realized when Zairok first discussed his idea with me that this was a chance to go back and fix what was wrong, to unite at least some of our team again and work towards a purposeful goal together. Getting home was just so… abrupt, sudden. We didn’t have time to prepare. And then we were rushed through debriefings and everything else. There was no time to process what had happened and no time to bid a proper farewell to the ship and community that was our home for so many years.” He paused. “To some of us, that ship was the most real home we ever had.”  


Kathryn swallowed hard. Tom and B’Elanna had said something very similar to her. She herself had never quite managed to think of _Voyager_ as home, only as a vessel for getting there, but hearing Chakotay echo Tom and B’Elanna’s sentiments, she realized that perhaps it had been more of a home to many of her crew than she had understood at the time. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to organize something,” she said. “A goodbye party, something to give everyone a little closure.”  


“No one blames you, Kathryn,” Chakotay replied softly. “On the contrary, we all have the deepest respect for you.”  


He looked deep into her eyes when he said it, and she felt her cheeks warm. “Thank you,” she said, hastily looking away from him.  


Her eyes were brought back to his when she felt the touch of his fingers on the back of her hand as he reached across the table. “When Zairok told me about the project, I knew instantly that there was one person I didn’t want to do it without: you.”  


Not knowing what to say, she blinked and looked at him, then down at where his fingers touched the back of her hand. She turned her hand over and let his palm meet hers, allowing him to clasp her hand. His palm felt warm and strong against her skin, and she gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it. 

“Thank you for thinking of me, Chakotay. I’m honored.”  


She cleared the salad plates away and escaped into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. She took out a container of her mother’s caramel brownies and arranged them on a plate, all the while trying to get up the courage to ask Chakotay what she really wanted to know. _Don’t be a wimp, Kathryn_ , she told herself. _Better to know than to walk in on the first day and be surprised by it._ She returned to the screen porch carrying a tray with the brownies and two mugs of coffee, one black, for herself, and the other with cream and two sugars, which she placed in front of him.  


“Thank you,” he said.  


“I can’t take credit for these,” she replied, gesturing to the brownies. “They’re my mother’s, so no need to fear.”  


He took a bite of a brownie. “Please give your mother my compliments. These are delicious.”  


“So,” she began, “who else have you spoken to about being part of the project?”  


“I’ve reached out to all of the former Maquis from _Voyager_. Some haven’t given me an answer yet. Tom and B’Elanna are in for sure. So are Ayala, Doyle and Jor. Oh, and Ashmore actually resigned his commission to join Jor on the project. I don’t know if you heard they’re together now.”  


“I hadn’t heard. I’m happy for them.”  


“The rest, I’m still waiting to hear from.”  


“And Seven?” she asked, trying to sound casual. “What role will she play?”  


“Seven?” he asked, surprised. “Seven’s accepted a position at the Daystrom Institute. She didn’t tell you?”  


“I haven’t spoken to her in several weeks.”  


He grinned. “If anything, Seven’s going to be our competition.”  


“I see. And you don’t feel that will be awkward between you?”  


“Why would it be awkward?”  


“Well, it would make it hard to talk about work at home, wouldn’t it?” She paused, registering the blank expression on his face. “You are living together, aren’t you?”  


Chakotay shook his head slowly, realization dawning on him. “Seven and I broke things off a few weeks ago,” he said.  


“You did?” Kathryn made no attempt to disguise her shock.  


“We did. Right around the time of my last message to you.”  


She pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers. “Which I never replied to.”  


“Tom and B’Elanna didn’t tell you?”  


“I told them months ago that I didn’t want to discuss your relationship with Seven. It was the one forbidden topic of conversation.”   


“Jealous, Kathryn?”  


She felt the heat rise in her cheeks. “Maybe, a little,” she admitted softly, then swiftly changed the subject. “What happened? Are you all right? How is Seven?”  


“It was a mutual decision. She decided to accept the position at Daystrom. I was talking to the Banzai Institute. It’s a few days travel between them. I think Seven was ready to embark on a new adventure, and I realized, after some very frank conversations with B’Elanna and a vision quest, that it was time for me to let her go.”  


“I hope she’s okay. I should reach out to her.”  


“I’m sure she’d love to hear from you. I think she’s missed you quite a bit since we got home.” He paused and looked at her seriously across the table. “For that matter, so have I.” He raised his palm in an old, almost forgotten gesture, and she raised hers to meet it.   


“I’ve missed you, too, Chakotay,” she said as she interlaced her fingers with his. The moment was interrupted by a beeping from Kathryn’s personal communications console. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, letting go of his hand abruptly and hurrying into the other room to answer the call.  


Chakotay cleared the dishes from the table and then made his way out onto the deck. He could hear Kathryn talking in the other room, but was content to wait for her to finish her call. He looked out at the lake and inhaled deeply, the sweet, fresh lake air filling his lungs. He had been hoping, ever since Zairok contacted him several weeks earlier, that somehow he would be able to convince Kathryn to join the project. The more he’d thought about it, the more he realized he didn’t want to do it without her. The more he imagined them spending time together again, the more he’d realized that perhaps the feelings he’d thought were no longer a part of him were still there.   


B’Elanna, who had never been shy, and since becoming a mother had become even more forthcoming in their friendship, had been quite blunt with him about her feelings on his relationship with Seven. “I don’t understand why you stay with her, Chakotay,” she’d said to him one night during a video call, after he’d been complaining about having to cater to Seven’s needs for the third time in the conversation. “I mean, I get that you don’t want to be alone, and maybe she makes you feel young or something, but you don’t seem very happy with her.” When he had argued, she had thrown an argument in his face that she’d known would sting. “Kathryn sees it, too; she just respects you too much to tell you.” That was about the time he had sent his last message to Kathryn, but had received no response. He understood now that it was because she had been dealing with Starfleet’s “promotion” offer.   


He’d undertaken a vision quest to try to sort out his feelings on the matter, and the message of his vision had been unusually clear to him. Then, Seven had received the offer from Daystrom, and now here he was, standing on the deck of Kathryn’s Lake George home, overlooking the water and watching the clouds float across the clear blue sky. He wasn’t sure what would come next or how things would unfold, but he was content to wait and see. He heard the door to the deck open, but didn’t turn around.   


“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Kathryn asked, moving to stand next to him.  


“It is.”  


“That was Zairok,” she told him. “Everything is set.” A large dragonfly buzzed past them. “You know, Chakotay, I was thinking, no one else is coming up here for several weeks, and I was thinking this might be a great place for us to work on some of the preparation for the project. That is, if you don’t mind the commute.”  


“I don’t mind. In fact, I love it here and would be happy to spend more time here.”  


“I always thought you’d like it here.”  


He looked down at her, the air between them suddenly feeling charged. “I do.”  


Kathryn’s heart pounded in her chest as their eyes met. His revelation about his relationship with Seven had changed something between them, something that she wasn’t quite sure either of them were ready to face yet. She stepped away, putting some distance between them. “Great. We can start tomorrow, then.”  


“Tomorrow,” he agreed.  


“Bring a bathing suit. If it gets too hot, we can go for a swim.”  


“No skinny dipping?” Chakotay teased, feigning disappointment.  


Kathryn laughed. “Don’t push your luck.”  


That night, when Kathryn sat on the dock watching the sunset, she kept thinking about the way Chakotay’s hand had felt in hers, the way he had looked in her eyes. She found herself hoping that his breakup with Seven had changed everything. _Stop_ , she told herself. _Just because he broke up with Seven doesn’t mean that he still has feelings for you._ They were friends, that was all. Friends who worked together. And she was just going to have to get used to that.

=/\=

The next day, Chakotay arrived at 0900 to start their planning work. There was much to be done — solidifying their teams, sifting through their personal logs, figuring out what could be included in their courses and research and what was classified Starfleet material that they couldn’t mention to the Banzai Institute. Over the weeks that followed, they found themselves hashing through much of their time in the Delta Quadrant together.  


“This is much more fun than Starfleet debriefings,” Kathryn admitted one afternoon as they laughed about the first time the crew had invited her to play pool with them, and she had feigned ignorance of the game before potting every single ball.  


“Much more fun,” Chakotay agreed.  


They took long lunch breaks and went swimming in the lake. Some days Chakotay cooked; other days, Kathryn did. Sometimes, they worked in complete silence, each absorbed in their own tasks. Other days, the screen porch was filled with lively conversation. And as they talked, they found themselves discussing things they had never talked about on Voyager.  


“Do you still have that scarf that Gath gave you?” Chakotay asked, trying to sound nonchalant, as they talked about the Sikarians and their space-folding technology as a possible addition to the research department.  


“Gath? The Sikaraian leader?”  


“Yes,” Chakotay replied with obvious distaste.  


“No, I got rid of that a long time ago.”  


“Good,” he said. “I thought he was a snake from the very beginning.”  


Throwing his own question back at him, she asked, “Jealous, Chakotay?”  


“That early on?” he replied. “I don’t think so. But I did think you deserved better than him.”  


She blushed at the compliment. “He was pretty sleazy,” she agreed. “A real slime ball, as my mother would say.”  


“I was jealous of Q,” he admitted, “when he wanted to mate with you.”  


“I was jealous of Riley Frazier.”  


“You were?” he asked in surprise. “I didn’t know it at the time.”  


She looked away from him. “I didn’t feel it was professional to share my feelings about it with you. After what she did to you, I was terribly angry with her. I felt no one had the right to abuse you like that.”  


“That’s how I felt about Kashyk. I know, we knew that he was playing you, and we played him right back, but that didn’t make it any easier.”  


She grinned. “Speaking of playing people, remember your date with the member of Species 8472?”  


“Valerie Archer. How could I forget? Were you jealous of her, too?”  


“Species 8472 was too ugly for me to feel jealous.”  


He laughed, and then admitted, “I was jealous of Michael Sullivan, even though he was a hologram.”  


“You were? You seemed so supportive.”  


A shadow passed over his face, and he became suddenly serious. “How could I not be, Kathryn? It had been so long since I had seen you that happy. It’s the same reason why I would have supported you had Jaffen decided to stay on _Voyager_.”  


She remembered the conversation that they’d had about it at the time, and Chakotay’s unconditional support regardless of what she and Jaffen decided. It made her realize that things she had thought were a sign of his feelings for her fading may have actually been a testament to the strength of his love for her. She felt a little overwhelmed by the realization and didn’t know what to say.  


“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Kathryn.”  


She looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. “I want you to be happy, too,” she said. “That’s why I did my best not to interfere in your relationship with Seven. I thought you had a chance to be happy with her.”  


“Because of what the admiral told you?” he asked.  


“Yes.”  


“Seven told me about that,” he said, “and that may have been the admiral’s timeline, but didn’t she come back to change all that?”  


“I guess she did,” Kathryn replied softly. She felt Chakotay’s eyes on her for a long moment after that, but she kept her gaze firmly on the PADD in her hand, indicating that they should get back to work.  


The days passed, and the weather at the lake grew warmer. Kathryn and Chakotay continued their work, their departure for the Banzai Institute still several weeks away. The lunchtime swim in the lake grew longer, and on one particularly warm afternoon, they continued working in their bathing suits after lunch, so they could take a dip into the water whenever they got too hot. As they were swimming, Chakotay slipped under the water and brushed past Kathryn’s legs, causing her to squeal in surprise. When he surfaced, she dived under the water and gave him the same treatment, pulling one of his legs out from under him and causing him to lose his balance. On the third pass, he dove under, grabbed her by the legs, hoisted her up and tossed her up into the air. She landed with a splash.  


“No fair!” she spluttered, when she managed to catch her breath. She swam towards him and dove under the water, trying to lift him as he had her. But the water where he was standing wasn’t deep enough, and his weight was too heavy for her. She struggled for a moment and then surfaced right next to him. Impulsively, he placed one hand on her hip, waiting to see what her reaction would be. When she did not move away, he placed his other hand on her other hip. The water went up to his waist where they were standing, so it was even higher on her small frame. He let his thumbs brush gently back and forth over her soft skin under the water as she looked at him, defiantly, as if daring him to go further. He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before disappearing back under the water again. She stood still for a moment, stunned, before she walked out of the lake and grabbed her towel. They went back to work, and she did what she had always done, ignored it and moved on.  


Two days later, they were sitting down by the lake finishing their lunch at the picnic table. Chakotay had been uncharacteristically short tempered that morning, and his mood hadn’t improved by lunch. “Let’s call it a day,” he suggested, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “We can finish this up tomorrow.”  


“I’d really like to finish this today,” Kathryn replied absently, absorbed in the PADD in front of her.  


“Well, I wouldn’t,” he replied tersely.  


“Chakotay,” she said, looking up from her PADD and speaking in a well-practiced command tone, “we had a schedule. If we’re going to finish everything on time, we need to stick to it.”  


“Fine,” he said angrily, sitting back down on the bench. He took a PADD from his pile and tossed it across the table.  


It landed squarely in the middle of her plate with a loud clank, causing some leftover pieces of food to splatter up onto Kathryn’s face and top. She picked up the PADD and glared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”  


“What’s wrong with me?”  


“Yes, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been in a foul mood all morning.”   


“I’m not allowed to be in a bad mood once in a while? You’re the one who can’t listen.”  


“Can’t listen?” Janeway’s voice was beginning to rise.  


“I just told you, I’m tired and I’d like to continue tomorrow. You ignored me, just like you always do.”  


“I have never ignored you, Chakotay.”  


“Never? What about the alliance with the Borg? What about the Equinox? Or that little stunt you and Tuvok pulled in year one, that you never let me in on because you needed me to play my part? I might as well have not existed, much less been your first officer.”  


“I did what I thought had to be done at the time.”  


He was standing, now, pacing angrily back and forth next to the picnic table. “That’s what it’s always about for you, isn’t it? What you think. What you feel. What about the rest of us, Kathryn? What about me? What about my feelings?”  


“Not a damn day went by on that ship that I didn’t think about everyone but myself!” she shouted back. Now she was on her feet, too. “Don’t you dare accuse me of not considering our crew.”  


“I’m not talking about the crew. I’m talking about me. Your friend. Or at least I thought I was.”  


“If you don’t want to be my friend, why don’t you just leave, like you did with Seven?”  


“Is that what this is about? I was supposed to wait around for you until the day I die, alone for the rest of my life, while you sacrificed yourself for everyone else’s needs? Meanwhile, I would be left to become a lonely, old, crazy man like my grandfather? That’s how it was and I knew it. Everyone and everything would always come before me, before us, except to the extent that I was useful to you as first officer. Everyone on _Voyager_ thought I was blind to it, but I wasn’t. I let it happen. I let it happen on purpose because I loved you so much.”  


They both stopped cold at Chakotay’s words and stared at each other. Kathryn tried to find words to reply, but she found herself speechless. Chakotay looked at her for a long moment, took his PADD from the table, and stormed up the hill. As Kathryn sank back onto the bench, she heard the door of his hovercar slam shut, and heard the hum of the engine as he drove away.  


Numbly, she cleaned up the lunch dishes. She tried to work the rest of the afternoon, but found that she couldn’t concentrate. Even going for a swim didn’t help. A part of her wanted to reach out to Chakotay and find some way to mend things between them. Another part of her was still seething in anger at how childishly he had behaved.  


It wasn’t until she sat on the dock that evening, watching the sunset, that her anger had cooled enough to allow her to truly think about everything he had said. Obviously, neither of them had fully healed from the strife of their life on _Voyager_. She had thrown his relationship with Seven in his face, which was something she had sworn to herself she would never do. But her mind lingered particularly on his last sentence. “I loved you so much,” he had said. _So_ , she thought, _it’s in the past after all._ Purple and pink clouds obscured the sun’s glow, causing the lake water to appear purple and pink in reflection, but the colors blurred together as Kathryn blinked back tears. _Stop it,_ she told herself. _You’re a grown woman, and you certainly pushed him away often enough. He wasn’t wrong about that._  


The idea of reaching out to him to apologize offended her pride. After all, he was the one who’d had a temper tantrum and stormed off. She would just wait until tomorrow and see if he showed up at her doorstep, she thought. But as that idea settled in her mind, she reconsidered. She did want him to return the next day, she realized. She wanted it desperately. But in her anger, she had told him to leave. And, thinking back on the beginning of the conversation, he had made his desire clear about not continuing that day, and she really hadn’t listened to him. She’d been too absorbed in her own work, something that had probably happened many times in the seven years of their friendship. He had always tolerated it silently. The tears began to spill down Kathryn’s cheeks. If their friendship was ruined, it was all her fault. She had told him to leave; she had to be the one who reached out. Before she went to bed that night, she sent him a brief message, “Chakotay, I’m sorry. Please come back tomorrow so we can talk. I promise I will listen.” Late into the night, she waited for a reply, tossing and turning in her bed. None came, and she finally fell into a fitful sleep.

=/\=

The next morning, Kathryn awoke to the first light from the sun streaming in through the bedroom window. She roused herself from bed slowly, her eyes still swollen from crying the night before. Throwing on a light robe, she went into the kitchen to make herself a pot of coffee. She checked her communications console. Still no reply from Chakotay. _Oh well,_ she thought. _I get what I deserve._ She wondered if she should call Zairok and tell him she couldn’t be part of the project. But, no. She knew that would be petty of her. She’d just have to put her nose to the grindstone, get back to work, and apologize to Chakotay when he was willing to speak to her again. So, she forced herself to get dressed and immersed herself in her work. She was so engrossed in it that she didn’t hear the hovercar pull into the driveway, and didn’t even hear the sound of footsteps on the stairs that led up to the screen porch. She looked up, startled, when the door to the house opened, and she was shocked to see Chakotay standing in front of her. He, too, looked as though he hadn’t slept well.  


“Chakotay!” she exclaimed, jumping up from her chair. “I’m so relieved you’re here.”  


“Thanks for your message,” he said. “Let’s go for a walk.”  


“Don’t you think we should…” she began, then stopped herself. Listen, she reminded herself. She put her PADD down. “All right, let’s.”  


He held the door for her as they exited the house through the screen porch. The house sat at the end of a road that was not frequently traveled, so was a good place to walk or jog, and they had occasionally taken a walk to the end of the road over the past few weeks as they had discussed various ideas, or when they needed to take a break from sitting in the house. Some of their best brainstorming had been done on those walks. She walked beside him in silence for several moments. The only sounds they could hear were the chirping of birds and the crunching of their steps on the road. She had promised to listen, so she waited, allowing him to take the lead in the conversation.  


“I’m sorry for some of the things I said yesterday,” he finally said. “I know, better than anyone, how much you sacrificed for our crew and our mission on _Voyager_.”  


“I’m sorry, too,” she said. “After you left yesterday, I realized that you were right about a lot of things. I didn’t always listen to you out there, especially when I should have. And I often put the ship, and our command relationship, ahead of our friendship.”  


“I know that as captain, sometimes you had to,” he admitted.   


“I promised myself that I would never use your relationship with Seven against you,” she said. “I broke that promise yesterday, and I’m sorry.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “And I’m sorry if it seemed on Voyager like everyone else came before you. For whatever it’s worth, I did value you, tremendously, and still do.” Her voice broke a little as she said it, revealing the raw emotion that she felt.  


“I understand that you did what you had to do out there. We all did. I don’t know what came over me yesterday."  


They walked in silence for another long moment before she asked, “What do you think made you snap like that?”  


“I don’t know,” he replied. “I thought about that a lot after I calmed down. I think that I had hoped that we wouldn’t carry our old attitudes from _Voyager_ forward, now that we’re not in a command structure anymore.”  


“You’re right. We can’t fall into old habits.”  


“I agree.” He paused. “Also, all this work we’ve been doing over the past two weeks has brought up so many memories, some good, some bad, some filled with joy, others filled with anger or sadness or betrayal and hurt. I guess it’s been making me realize all these things that I’d felt or thought over the years but never had a chance to confront.”  


She nodded. “Me, too. My Starfleet counselor went through some of it with me, but it’s not quite the same as hashing it out with someone who was there, too. I guess if we’re going to be working together again, we should talk about any remaining issues.”  


He chuckled. “It’s not a business transaction or a command relationship, Kathryn. Yes, we’re going to be colleagues again, but I hope we can be friends, too.”  


She stopped in the middle of the road. “I consider you one of my closest friends. It was often your wisdom, your perspective, and your support that got me through the toughest days in the Delta Quadrant. I don’t think I said thank you nearly enough.”  


He stopped to face her. “You’re welcome.” They resumed their walk. “You got me through a lot, too.”  


She reached over, as if to grab his hand, but instead of grasping it, she just let her fingers brush against his. “We may have some spectacular fights, but we do make a good team.”  


He reached back, intertwining his fingers with hers for a brief moment before letting go. “Yes, we do.”  


She took a deep breath. “Well, I feel better.” She glanced over at him; he seemed to be deep in thought. “Chakotay?”  


He didn’t respond right away. Overhead, a small bird flew over them, singing its funny little song. “Kathryn, do you ever think about New Earth?” he asked.  


The question caught her completely off guard. Since their return from the Delta Quadrant planet on which they’d been stranded, they had never spoken of their time there. “Yes,” she admitted softly, not looking at him.  


“Why didn’t we ever talk about it after we got back to _Voyager_? I tried to bring it up a couple of times, but you always changed the subject, and then, eventually, I just stopped trying.”  


“I just… couldn’t,” she said.  


“Why not?”  


She struggled to find the words, reminding herself that she had to be honest with him if their friendship was to have any hope of surviving. “I suppose… it was too painful. As much as I resisted being there at first, everything about that place was the life I could never have, a home, a garden, a partner, a family. As long as we were on _Voyager_ , all those things were impossible for me, and I knew it. It was easier to just put them out of my mind. I didn’t want to open wounds for either of us that might never heal. It was like a moment out of time, precious, meant to be cherished, but separate from the rest of my life.”  


“And now?” he asked. “Do you still want those things, a home, a partner?”  


“I do. But I’ve accepted that I’ll never have them, and that I have to be content with what I have,” she said. “A good job, my friendship with you.” She smiled at him. “What about you?”  


“I never knew you felt that way. I always thought that New Earth was a burden, an inconvenience to you, a derailment from your real mission. But I cherished our time there, too. You’re right, it was the life we could never have.”  


“Do you still want that life?”  


He looked directly at her in a way that made her shiver. “Very much so.”  


They completed their walk in silence, each lost in their own thoughts about the conversation. As they arrived back at the house, Chakotay said, “What do you say to getting some work done? We should get back on track.”  


“Sounds good to me,” Kathryn replied.  


The day was one of the most productive they’d had. It was as if the frank and honest conversation had opened a dam between them, and suddenly they were able to talk freely about everything. They laughed about the time Seven had made them all see conspiracy theories where there were none and recounted some of the funnier antics from the Doc over the years. They talked about Harry and Tom and B’Elanna. When a topic came up that involved the two of them, they didn’t shy away from it, but confronted it directly. They made significant progress on their planning.  


When they swam at lunch, Chakotay started a water fight, splashing water at Kathryn and taking her by surprise. At first she spluttered and pretended to be upset, but then gave him the same treatment right back. Soon, they were laughing and shouting in the water like a couple of teenagers. As they climbed out of the lake, Kathryn stumbled in the sand, and Chakotay caught her arm, steadying her. She looked up at him and smiled, feeling all was right with the world.  


As their evening work session neared its end, Kathryn realized she didn’t want him to leave, didn’t want this day to be over. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” she asked.  


He grinned, showing off his dimples. “Somehow, I think you’re just looking for one of my delicious, home-cooked meals.” She opened her mouth to object, but he reached out and covered her hand with his. “I’d love to.”  


“Good. I’ll bring the wine,” she said with a wink.  


He prepared an evening meal for them while she finished some work. She selected a bottle of Chateau Picard from the wine cellar and put it on ice to chill. She stood out on the deck, looking down at the lake, waiting for Chakotay to finish cooking. The breeze blew through her hair, and she smiled into the evening sunshine. For the first time in a long time, she felt at peace with herself and with the world.  


The meal was delicious, and they enjoyed eating on the deck while they talked. Chakotay asked Kathryn about summers at the lake growing up, and she told him stories of running through the woods with her sister, collecting clams from the lake bed with her cousins, going for boat rides with her grandfather.  


“Is that where you learned to sail?” he asked.  


“Yes.” She smiled wistfully. “Every summer my grandfather would take each of us on a special sailing trip. It was one of the highlights of my summer as a child.”  


He shared stories of his own childhood, running through the river with his brothers and sisters. She saw a faraway look in his eyes as he spoke of his family and his home world, and she reached across the table to take his hand. She didn’t let go, and they finished their wine like that, hand in hand. They cleared the plates and seamlessly moved around each other in the kitchen while they did the dishes. She was reminded of New Earth, which was the first time they had shared close quarters and had to move about each other inside the house.  


“I don’t know if I told you back then,” she said, when she told him what she was thinking of, “but I really appreciated all your cooking.”  


He brushed past her to put something back in the cabinet, and as he did so, he stepped a little closer to her than he had to. “I enjoyed cooking for you,” he said, leaning down so his face was almost touching hers.  


“After we got back to the ship, it felt strange being in my quarters alone. I kept expecting you to say something, or come out of the other room.”  


“Yes, I think for me it was harder to adjust to being back on the ship than it was to being on the planet.”  


“You did seem to take to it quite well,” she said, looking at him pointedly. “In fact, sometimes I wondered whether you were happy that we got stranded there.”  


“There were aspects of it that made me happy,” he admitted, “but I’m not sorry that _Voyager_ came back for us.” He reached over and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “I’m glad that we’re here now.”  


She blushed. “Me, too.”  


He glanced at the chronometer on the wall. “I guess I should be going.”  


“Do you have to?” she asked, pouting a little.  


“Have to? No.”   


“Good. Stay and watch the sunset with me.”  


He looked at her for a long moment, as if trying to figure out what was in her mind, what her intentions were. She looked back at him, her eyes open, honest, hopeful, and full of affection. “If you insist.”  


As they walked down to the dock, Kathryn stole a glance at the man beside her. A few weeks earlier, she had thought it would be impossible for them to be close friends again, much less have a shot at something more. He’d been flirting with her all day, over work, swimming, dinner. Usually she was the one who touched him, because she touched people. It was part of the way she expressed herself. He was the one who was usually more reserved with casual physical contact. Yet today, it seemed to her that he’d made his intentions very clear. She had to do the same. She reached over and bridged the gap between them by taking his hand.  


He looked down at her in surprise, and then smiled. They walked the rest of the way to the dock hand in hand. She pulled him down to sit beside her, their legs dangling over the edge of the dock.  


“You know,” he said, “I think the last time I watched a sunset on a lake was your Lake George holodeck program.”  


“That was years ago.”  


“Haven’t exactly had many opportunities to go at a lake since.”  


Kathryn looked down at their intertwined fingers resting on the dock. “I cherished the memory of that night on the holodeck for years,” she admitted. 

“Whenever I felt especially lonely, it was one of the things I thought of.”  


“It was a beautiful night,” he agreed, “but I have to say that was one of the worst days of my life, thinking you had died. I’ll never forget carrying you from that shuttle, and the moment I realized you had stopped breathing. The thoughts that flashed through my mind, of having to go on without you…”  


She squeezed his hand. “But you didn’t.”  


“Thanks to your stubbornness,” he said, the smile returning to his face.  


“And you, and Tuvok and the Doctor not giving up on me.” She paused for a moment, looking out at the sun, still above the tree line. A single thin cloud bisected it, and the sunlight seemed to glow in all directions from behind the cloud. “We had a lot of close calls out there,” she said. “Sometimes I think about how many chances there were for one of us to die, and how small the possibility is that we would both survive.”  


“Yes,” he agreed, “and I’m sure the possibility that we would be sitting here together right now is even smaller.” He turned towards her and caressed her cheek with his free hand.   


“Almost impossible,” she agreed, covering his hand with her own and leaning her cheek into it. He leaned forward, and she held her breath, wondering if he was going to kiss her. But he didn’t. He simply rested his forehead against hers. Their lips were so close that she could feel his breath and smell the scent of him.   


He kissed her cheek, and then pulled away. He disentangled his fingers from hers and shifted his body to face her, pulling one knee up onto the dock and letting his other leg continue to dangle towards the water. “Kathryn, I need to know what you want before we go down this path. I need to know that this isn’t just a whim of the moment, that you’re not going to change your mind tomorrow when you realize that we’re going to be working together for the next several months, or maybe even years.”  


“I want to make this work,” she said seriously. “Us, I mean. The night before you showed up and asked me about the Banzai Institute, I was sitting on this dock thinking about everything that had happened since we got home. I was thinking about Admiral Janeway, and you and Seven, and realizing how much I still missed you.” She took a deep breath, looking out at the horizon where the sun was beginning to dip behind the trees, casting a golden glow on the wispy clouds above. “I couldn’t do it on Voyager for so many reasons, Chakotay. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you. I did.” She paused again and looked him directly in the eyes. “I still do.”  


One of his hands snaked behind her neck, and he pulled her head towards him. He kissed her hard on the mouth. When he broke the kiss, he said, “I still love you, too.”  


She sighed with relief. “I thought after what you said yesterday… You used the past tense.”  


“Yesterday, I was angry.”   


She smiled ruefully. “So was I.”  


“I’ve tried to stop loving you many times, Kathryn. It’s one thing I don’t seem to be able to do no matter how hard I try.”  


She chuckled. “We’re quite a pair, you and I. I spent years in complete denial of my feelings for you. I think it took the admiral’s revelation about your marriage to Seven to make me realize that I still had them. And by then, I was convinced it was too late.”  


He leaned forward and kissed her again, this time soft and sweet. “It’s not too late.”  


She entwined her arms around him and scooted closer to him in the dock. “I’m glad.” His arms encircled her body, and she pressed her lips to his. The kiss began gently, but quickly became passionate as he probed her lips with his tongue. Soon their tongues were intertwined and their hands roamed over each others’ backs. They broke the kiss several moments later, both breathless. Kathryn settled into the crook of Chakotay’s arm, and they watched together as the sky changed from golden to orange to a dark red, and finally into a deep purple. Both seemed reluctant to move, as if afraid that they would shatter the moment and never regain another one like it.  


When stars started to appear overhead, Chakotay leaned down and kissed the top of Kathryn’s head. “I should go,” he whispered.  


She looked up at him and nodded reluctantly. He stood first and offered her his hand to help her up. Together, they walked up to the hovercar, his arm around her shoulders and hers around his waist. Before he got in, he leaned down and kissed her, pulling her body tight against his and pressing his lips against hers passionately. She gripped him back, invading his mouth with her tongue, feeling the hardness of his body against the softness of hers.  


He broke the kiss, and, trying to keep his composure, said, “I’ll see you in the morning.”  


She nodded. “Goodnight, Chakotay. I love you.”  


“I love you, Kathryn.”  


He ducked into the hovercar and was on his way, leaving Kathryn standing in the driveway, grinning. She felt as though she wanted to run, or jump, or fly. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this happy, and she wanted to revel in it. She walked down to the dock once more, and stood there, looking up at the stars, feeling immensely grateful for who she was and where she was. It was a sensation she had not felt in a long time, and its simplicity brought tears to her eyes. She stood on the dock for a long time before finally succumbing to tiredness and going up to the house to go to sleep.

=/\=

The next morning when Chakotay arrived, he greeted her with a kiss. The morning’s work session was filled with distractions, his hand on her knee, her fingers gently caressing the back of his neck, stolen kisses. At 1300, when they usually took lunch, she laughed. “I’m not sure how much we got done this morning. I’m a little distracted.”  


“You’re not the only one,” he admitted. “What if we took the afternoon off? We’ve barely taken a full day of rest since we started. Maybe we could go sailing?”  


She grinned. With a few exceptions, they had been making great progress on their work and were well ahead of the schedule they had originally set when they started. “I guess we can afford to take one afternoon off.”  


“Good.”  


“The sailboat is down at the marina,” she said, gesturing down the lake. “It’s too big for our boathouse. We can walk down there or take the car.”  


“Let’s walk. It’s a beautiful day.”  


They packed some food in a satchel and walked down to the marina. They relished the newness of holding hands as they walked, and even though they had agreed not to work, they couldn’t help talking about their project. They’d be departing for the Institute in just a few weeks. “There’s so much to get organized before then,” Kathryn said. “Maybe we shouldn’t take the afternoon off.”  


“Kathryn,” he warned, “even the eagle must…”  


“Know when to sleep,” she finished. “I know. When I think about it, it just seems a little bit overwhelming. I’ve been in Starfleet my whole life. It’s like starting over.”  


“Don’t worry. You’re more than qualified for the task. And we’ll be there together, with Tom and B’Elanna and several of our old crew. Yes, it’s a new life, but there will be plenty of familiar faces around.”  


“I’d like to think that I’m taking the best parts of my old life with me,” she said.  


“I think that’s a great way to look at it.”  


They arrived at the marina and Kathryn spoke to John, the owner, an elderly man with a slightly rough demeanor but who treated Kathryn like a princess. 

As John lowered the boat into the water, Kathryn explained to Chakotay that he had known her since she was a child. “Thanks, John!” she called, as she and Chakotay sailed away from the marina.  


“Have fun, you two lovebirds,” John called back with a wink in his eye.  


“We will!” Kathryn replied, waving.   


Chakotay waved, too. He vaguely remembered the lessons in sailing Kathryn had given him on the holodeck all those years ago, but he quickly discovered that the real thing was much more challenging to maneuver than a holographic boat. Plus they had the variable of the wind, which was much less predictable on a real lake than on the holodeck. However, it was a beautiful day for sailing, and he soon grew accustomed to the various tasks. They moved around each other comfortably, sometimes going for long periods of time without talking, both savoring the lazy afternoon on the lake. They changed into their bathing suits and took turns dunking into the water near the boat to cool off.  


As Kathryn climbed out of the water after a quick dip, Chakotay’s eyes raked down her body, following the droplets of water as they slid into the valley between her breasts, down her arms and legs. She met his gaze openly, as if to say, I’m not afraid.  


As it grew later, Chakotay asked, “What time do we have to head back?”  


“Why?” she countered. “Are you tired of me already?”  


“Hardly,” he said, encircling her waist with his arms and nibbling the side of her neck. “On the contrary, in fact. We packed plenty of food, and the center of the lake seems like a perfect place to watch the sunset.”  


She turned in his arms to face him and wrap her arms around his neck. “That would be perfect.” He leaned down to kiss her deeply, his hands rubbing up and down her bare arms as her fingers played over the bare skin of his back.   


As the sun sank low in the sky, he arranged a blanket from down below on the deck of the boat and laid out their remaining food, some berries, cheeses, bread and nuts. He had also secretly packed a bottle of wine which he’d kept in the fridge down below. He found a couple of glasses in the boat’s small kitchenette and surprised her with it when he emerged from below decks.  


“To us,” he said, as their glasses clinked.  


“To us,” she echoed. They sat on the blanket and nibbled at the food. She reached across the blanket with a berry, putting it into his mouth. He nipped and sucked at her fingers as he took the sweet fruit from them, and then repeated the gesture for her a moment later with a large hazelnut. She kept her eyes on his, taking his finger into her mouth and running her tongue around the nut before taking it from him and chewing it.  


He shivered in response and shifted uncomfortably, trying unsuccessfully to hide the bulge in his shorts. Instead, he felt her eyes on him, appraising him from head to toe as he had her earlier.  


“You know, I’ve been thinking about something since yesterday,” she said, trying hard to sound casual.  


“What?”  


“Maybe it’s crazy. You know, too fast, or too much, or…”  


“What is it?”   


“Well, I was thinking, when we go to the Institute… what if we shared quarters?” She read his shocked expression as one of disapproval and quickly backtracked. “Maybe not. Maybe it’s too much too fast and we should settle into things first.”  


He reached out and touched her lips with his finger. “Kathryn, are you asking me to move in with you?”  


She looked at him shyly across the blanket. “Yes, I guess I am.”  


“I would love to. And I don’t think it’s too much or too fast. We’ve spent every day together over the past couple months and I think it’s been the best two months of my life.”  


“Actually it ranks pretty high for me, too.”  


“It’s settled then. We can tell Zairok tomorrow.” As the sun sank further on the horizon, Kathryn shivered in the cooling evening air. “Cold?” he asked.  


“A little.”  


He scooted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her body against his. They soon forgot what was left of their dinner as they watched the changing colors of the sky before them and their hands gently explored each others’ skin. “Let’s go in,” Chakotay said huskily as Kathryn’s hand strayed up and down his thigh.  


“Good idea.”  


After changing out of their suits and putting their clothes back on, they brought the boat back into the marina, surprised to find John still there. “I was just getting ready to call it a night,” he said, with a wink at Chakotay. “Thought you might not come back till morning.”  


“You know I can moor the boat by myself,” Kathryn admonished John. “You didn’t need to wait for us.”  


“I know, dearie,” John replied, “but I don’t usually leave before sunset. Ever since Bernice died, you know, I just can’t bear goin’ home too early.” Kathryn nodded sympathetically, and John turned to Chakotay. “Don’t waste a moment with this girl, son. None of us knows how long we have. As my father used to say, you gotta grab life by the balls.” All three laughed heartily at this statement.  


Chakotay put his arm around Kathryn. “I know what you mean, sir,” he said. “We have to cherish every moment we have.” The couple wished John goodnight and walked back towards the house.  


The evening air was pleasant, chilly, but not cold, and the first stars were beginning to appear in the sky. They walked hand in hand, pausing a few times for one to pull the other into a passionate kiss. “It’s a good thing this road isn’t well traveled,” Kathryn quipped the third time they stopped for a moment of passion.  


When they got back to the house, Kathryn didn’t let go of his hand. Instead, after they walked through the screen porch into the house, she pulled him to her and kissed him, her hands roaming from his neck to his buttocks. He responded instantly, tangling his hands in her hair, his tongue plundering her mouth. His hands found their way down her back and to her bottom.   


When she broke the kiss, breathless, resting her forehead against his chest, he thought she was going to bid him goodnight. Instead, she looked up at him and said, “Stay.”  


And that is what he did.

=/\=

Kathryn took the bundle of wood in her arms to haul it from the garage down to the sauna. The morning sun was already warm, but she was determined to get the sauna lit regardless. They only had one week at Lake George, their summer vacation from Banzai, and she wanted to make the most of it.  
Chakotay emerged from the house. “I made another pot of coffee,” he called.  


“Good, I’ll be in for some in a minute,” she replied. She carried the wood down to the sauna and put it into the fireplace along with some paper. She lit a match and held it under the paper for a minute until the flames began to grow. She found something incredibly satisfying about lighting a real fire the old fashioned way. When she finished lighting the flame, she walked down to the dock, looking out at the lake.  


It had been just over a year since Chakotay had suddenly reentered her life, suggesting that they work together at the Banzai Institute. It had been just over a year since they had begun a romance that had transformed her existence in ways she had previously thought impossible. Their life together was not without its challenges, but she could safely say that she was happier than she had ever been, and she knew that Chakotay was, too.

Sometimes, as she stood on the dock overlooking the lake, she couldn’t help but think back to all the nights and days she had spent here, playing as a child, dreaming as a teenager, relaxing and recharging as an adult. She vividly remembered nights she had sat on this very dock and felt hopeless, but now, as she looked out at the blue waves washing from the lake onto the shore, and felt the morning sun on her face, she felt nothing but hope and contentment. She heard footsteps behind her and felt a strong arm encircle her waist as his other hand pressed a steaming cup of coffee into hers. She looked up at him and smiled, settling back into his chest. “Almost impossible,” she whispered, remembering their conversation over a year before.  


“Almost,” he agreed, leaning down to kiss her cheek, “but not quite.”   



End file.
